In Defense of Adulthood

An Essay

     Did you ever have naysayers during your childhood who told you what a dreadful thing it was to grow up? It seems like all I ever heard when I was little were things like: “I wish I were a kid again.” “Going to school is easier than a job.” “I would rather be a student again.” “You don’t want to do what I have to do.” “Don’t ever grow up.” Everything I was told made it sound like being an adult was some kind of necessary evil.

     And then I grew up. I found that I liked being an adult.

     Lest you think that I am some kind of Pollyanna who has had it easy so far and doesn’t know what she’s talking about, let me tell you a little of what I’ve gone through during my adult years:

      I’ve filled up a passport. I’ve learned another language. When I was 21, I had seven wild teenage girls living with me. I cared for Russian orphans for three years, basically functioning as a single mom during that time. I have cared for more children than anyone could ever have in a lifetime. I have lost children. I have escorted dozens of children back and forth across the Atlantic several times. I actually know what it’s like to have 20 kids. I have dealt with runaways, street kids, drugs, suicide, and violence. I have graduated from college twice, obtained every form of nursing licensure available in my state up to an RN, and am now in my third nursing job. I have watched people die. I have almost forgotten what it’s like to sleep on a regular basis. I have reached the point of burnout several times. I have supervised an entire nursing home during a real tornado warning. I have dealt with the nastiest people you can imagine. I have been lied to, lied about, vilified, and threatened. I have grown a few gray hairs.

     And I still like being an adult.

      Why? Because the possibilities are endless. The future is still before me. I am physically and mentally at the height of my productivity. Being an adult is good, happy, and fulfilling. Being an adult is God’s will for me. I am doing what I was born to do. I was born to grow up.

     I have looked around with some sense of alarm at other 20 or 30-somethings in my own culture. For example, I know of one young man in his twenties who does not have a driver’s license or a job and sits at home playing computer games while his single mother works two jobs just to make ends meet. While that is obviously not typical, there is still a widespread resistance to growing up in Western culture. I find it very ironic that a culture that supposedly values independence has so many single (and sometimes married) adults who are dependent on their parents in a very babyish way. When I see people in their mid-twenties relating to their parents in a whiny, self-centered way, I wonder where all their self-respect has gone. The Bible says: “Honor your father and mother”. Expecting your parents to baby you is not honoring.

     Being an adult. What does it look like for a single person? I’m going to talk about some really basic issues here. While I believe that it is a good thing for single adults to live with their parents until marriage, a single adult should be living with his parents as an adult, not as a child. In other words, he (or she) should be taking on adult responsibilities within the household and be actively preparing to establish a household of his own. It should always be considered a temporary arrangement. A real adult, regardless of his living arrangements, takes complete responsibility for his own behavior and personal affairs. It’s fine to accept help from parents, but it’s not something that should be selfishly demanded.

     How does this work out in real life? For example, if I need to make an important purchase or do some complicated paperwork, I ask my dad for advice and interact with him about it. However, I am the one who does the work to get it accomplished. I ask him to teach me how to do things so that I can do them myself. That is how the parent-child relationship is supposed to work. Parents are to prepare their children to eventually function without them. That is why I am very concerned when I see adults in their late twenties who are living at home and lazing around watching TV while their mothers are out working full-time jobs to support them.(I have personally witnessed several situations like that, unfortunately in Christian families.) There is just something wrong with that. We young adults need to realize that by the time we are in our twenties our parents are past the prime of their health and are probably towards the end of their income-earning years. We need to change to the mode of helping them instead of expecting them to help us. That is the Biblical pattern.

     If God didn’t intend for you to become an adult, He would have let you die as a child. We are supposed to grow up. We should be characterized by growth in wisdom, knowledge, and the fear of the Lord. God gives all adults a few non-optional tasks: to worship, work, and reproduce (physically or spiritually). If you fail to do these things, the Bible classifies you as a fool and a sluggard. Sorry about that.

     Let’s talk a little about the things that adults are supposed to do. Again, I am dealing with some very basic issues here. Work. All adults are to work. 2 Thessalonians 3:10 says: ” . . . if any would not work, neither should he eat.” Notice the period at the end of the sentence. Paul did not seem to think there were any exceptions. The fourth commandment commands us to observe a day of rest. But, as many forget, it also commands us to work six days a week. (The Bible does not recognize a five-day work week.) Now work, I think, can include all profitable activity, whether it is paid employment, caring for a household and children, learning, building relationships, or even prayer. Proverbs 31 gives us an excellent picture of a woman who works steadily all day long at a variety of profitable activities. Work is to be an all-day, six-days-a-week kind of thing. An adult is to steadily go from one task to another all day long. Entertainment is to be occasional, like dessert. That is the Biblical pattern.

     It concerns me that so many “Christian” young people seem to think they are exceptions to the pattern, that somehow they can get through life without working very much or taking responsibility for themselves. When a guy from a Christian family can openly admit in church that he doesn’t have a job and really isn’t looking for one and no one rebukes him, that is a problem. When a guy and a girl in a conservative Christian church can cheer each other on for always waiting until the last minute to study for a test, that is a problem. Over and over again I have seen the following equation being insidiously taught and lived out in Christian circles:

Serious = bad
Funny (foolish) = good

     All the while the world is going to hell around us, and “Christians” are worried about whether their youth groups are entertaining enough. “Of course”, they say, “we don’t have poor people on every street corner like they do in third world countries. There’s not really much we can do.” Oh really? Take off the blindfold, please. Let me show you.

     We do not live in a day and age where we can afford to waste our time on trifles. Western culture has already morally collapsed while “Christian” young men have been playing video games and “Christian” young women have been going to the mall every weekend. The time has ended for such things. This is a time of war. We must take unto ourselves all of the armor of God to fight the battle that is all around us. We must actively engage the enemy, not hide from him. We must pursue maturity and wisdom. We must build Godly families and produce spiritual fruit. We must alleviate suffering and defend the downtrodden. We must work very hard every day at profitable labor. We must follow in the footsteps of a crucified and resurrected Savior, who also spent many years “just” working as a carpenter.

     Think for a little bit about how our Savior lived most of His adult life. Hardly anyone knew who He really was during that time. He grew in favor with God and man, but He didn’t try to impress anyone. His life was so ordinary that His own family was shocked and confused when He began to proclaim Himself as the Messiah. During his adult years, He was educated according to Jewish custom, learned a trade, worked, and earned money. He supported His family after His father died, which would have required Him to exercise leadership in His family at a relatively young age. His life was filled with very grown-up, adult activities. He did not whine and complain about the difficulties He faced. Honestly, I cannot imagine Jesus complaining about not being able to get a good job with lots of vacation time and benefits (and using that as an excuse not to work at all). I cannot imagine Him going home, flopping down on the couch, and whining to Mary about the Pharisees not listening to Him. That would not be mature behavior. Why should we expect our lives to be different than His? Jesus grew up. Why shouldn’t we?

     Let me go back to telling you why I like being an adult. It’s not because “I can do whatever I want.” (If anything, I have more people telling me what to do now.) Now that I am adult, I can be a full-fledged part of the work of God’s kingdom. I can use my physical and mental abilities to benefit others. When someone comes to me with a need, I can actually do something about it. There is meaning to my life that I did not have as a child. I don’t really want to be a kid again. Sure, it was fun while it lasted, but being a kid is not the epitome of existence. I now know my God in a way that I never did before. Because of that, I have great confidence in the future, even when I can’t see an inch in front of me. There is joy in every season of life, but there is a special joy in being able to work and invest in others. I would never trade my adult years for another decade of being a child.

     When I was still living in Russia, I came back to my room one day to find a note on my desk written in a child’s handwriting scrawled in marker on a piece of purple construction paper. All it said was: “Dear Vanessa, Thank you for everything. I love you.”

     If only that child could comprehend all the blood, sweat, tears, and sleepless nights involved in that “everything”. Winning the heart of a child requires some very grown-up skills. Such things are not won without a paying a dear price, as any mother knows.

     You could not tempt me to give up that note – or the love of that precious girl – in exchange for an ocean full of silly self-indulgence.

     The best thing about being an adult and pouring your life into others is that you discover a wealth of love that you didn’t know existed.

     Yes, being an adult is a very, very good thing.